Men and Mental Health: Breaking the Silence

As a Mental Health Counsellor, I have the privilege of walking along side many different clients, from many different walks of life, who are battling to work through all sorts of challenges.  One group that has really pulled on my heartstrings is the male population.  Why, you might ask?  Well, the answer is quite simple - because of the stigma and unhealthy expectations that have been put on men for centuries that have stopped them from seeking much needed and well-deserved support.

“Man up”, Don’t be soft”, “Tough it out”, “Real men don’t talk about their feelings”, “If I were stronger, I would not be struggling”.  If you are a man, chances are that you’ve heard some of these phrases at some point in your life.  Perhaps you’ve even said that quietly to yourself, in the middle of the night when you noticed yourself feeling stuck beneath the weight of the world.

For generations, men have been taught to stay silent about their struggles.  To be strong, stoic, and self-reliant, keeping them suffering in isolation, feeling that there is something inherently wrong with them for feeling the way that they do. 

Canadian Statistics

Per the Government of Canada website, in Canada alone, there were 4,850 deaths by suicide reported in 2023.  Although males make up only approximately half of the population, they accounted for nearly 75% of those suicides.  And this is only the suicides that are reported.  We know that there is a greater number of suicides that are not reported or known and that when it comes to suicide, men more often die by methods that can rationally be explained as accidents.

These higher statistics are not because men suffer more than women, it’s because they are told not to show it or talk about it.  Many have been conditioned to believe that talking about feelings is weak, or that therapy is only for people who “are broken”, which can have them feeling there is no other way out.  This stigma is extremely dangerous and a major reason why so many men continue to suffer in silence.

So, What Keeps This Stigma Alive?

It’s hard for men to say “I’m struggling” because of a mix of cultural expectations, social conditioning, and personal fears, all of which can make vulnerability feel dangerous or shameful. Let’s look at a few of these stigma accelerators a little more closely:

1. Cultural Norms Around Masculinity. Many men are raised with the idea that “being a man” means being strong, self-reliant, emotionally stoic, and/or a provider or protector.  Admitting to struggle can feel like a threat to their identity or feel like it makes them weak, dependent, or even broken, even though we KNOW that knowing when we need support and accepting that support is a super skill and reaching out for support a sign of bravery. 

2. Internalized Shame. Some men have been conditioned to carry deep beliefs like “I shouldn’t feel this way”, “If I were stronger, I wouldn’t be struggling”, or “real men don’t talk about their feelings”.  These beliefs cause shame around admitting to needing support, so they suffer in silence instead, trying to “tough it out”, further isolating themselves.

3. Fear of Judgement or Rejection. Most men fear being seen as less competent, losing respect from friends, partners, and coworkers, being seen as weak, or being told to “man up” or “get over it”.  They carry a fear that others will view them differently if they admit that they’re not ok, and unfortunately sometimes they are right. Although there have been definite efforts to correct this social stigma, it still exists in some places.

4. Lack of Safe Spaces. Many men don’t have a place where they feel safe opening up.  Many have formed friendships that revolve more around activities than deep emotional conversations.  They have been taught to “keep their stuff to themselves”, which can have sharing feel unsafe.  Other men in their circle, who have been taught the same thing, might mock or dismiss any deeper level sharing, further feeding into this unhealthy loop. 

5. They just don’t know how. Because of these cultural norms, many men were never taught how to express emotional pain and discomfort in a healthy way.  Many have been taught to avoid vulnerability at all costs, so might lack the words, the tools, and even permission (from self and others) to share. 

The Weight of Silence

There is an emotional, psychological and physical toll that comes from suppressing vulnerability and not expressing feelings or seeking help.  For many men, silence does not lead to peace.  It leads to the internalized pain of pretending to be “fine” when they are far from it.

Men don’t always experience or express their mental health struggles the way we would expect.  Instead of openly showing sadness or anxiety, it can instead show up as:

• Irritability, frequent anger, feeling constantly on edge, or having a continual short fuse, without knowing why.

• Withdrawing from loved ones.

• Losing interest in hobbies or activities you used to enjoy.

• Overworking to avoid being alone with your thoughts.

• Increased substance use to numb the pain and discomfort of emotions.

• Constantly feeling exhausted, even after a full night’s sleep.

• Feeling hopeless, stuck, or like things will never feel or get better.

• Feeling unable to relax or feeling nothing at all.

These signs are easy to miss or easy to excuse, but they often point to something deeper.  We need to remember that mental health struggles don’t always hit like a thunderstorm.  Sometimes they creep in quietly and just settle into daily life, so it is crucial to stay cognizant and do honest check ins with yourself.

Breaking the Silence and Stigma: Where to Start

Talking about mental health does not have to mean baring your soul to a room full of people.  Here’s how you can begin:

• Talk to one trusted person. Start small.  Find a friend, partner, or co-worker who you feel might get it.  Just saying “I’ve been struggling a bit lately” can open the door to some much needed space and support.  Often when we open up to others, they open up to us, which can remind us that we are not alone in our suffering.

• Try writing it down.  Sometimes the first step is admitting the truth to yourself.  Journaling to yourself or writing a note to someone else can help you organize your thoughts before you speak them and bring in some clarity as to what you are truly feeling.

• Redefine strength to include vulnerability.  Because we have been taught something does not mean that it is right.  There is true vitality that can come from being vulnerable.

• Consider a therapist.  Therapy isn’t about lying on a couch while someone analyzes you.  It’s a conversation.  A safe space where you don’t have to pretend.  If this is the route you choose, take the time to find that right match.  Choose someone you feel comfortable talking to and who you believe will understand your background and goals.  Many therapists will offer free consultations to provide that space to see if they are the right fit for you.

Asking for help is not a failure.  It is one of the strongest things you can do.  Facing feelings takes more courage than ignoring them.

Most men don’t feel unsafe because they are unwilling to feel.  They feel unsafe because of the social cost of being emotionally honest has historically been high.  Silence can be heavy, but sharing the load can be life changing.  If we can create environments where men feel safe to speak up, we’ll not only improve individual lives but shift the broader narrative around what it means to be strong, setting up future generations of men in a much better way.

“Silence isn’t strength.  Speaking up is”.