To Advise or Not to Advise: That is the Question - An emotionally intelligent exploration of holding space vs giving advice

Let’s face it – we’ve all been there. Someone we care about is venting as their overwhelm has them feeling stuck or spiralling down that vortex that has them grabbing hold of absolutely every negative aspect of their life or relationships and out pops our inner problem-solver with playbook in hand, sharing how we think they can fix their problem.  But before we can even finish our sentence, something shifts.  They pause, their energy changes, or perhaps they even go quiet.  Suddenly the support we think we are providing feels more like we’ve placed a new boulder in their path, rather than throwing them a lifeline.

And that, dear reader, is where the dilemma begins: To advise or not to advise?

That is the question.  And the answer is not as easy as one might originally think.

Advice typically comes from a good place.  We want to help.  We want to make things better for those around us.  We want to take away the suffering of those we love and care about.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to help, but sometimes that advice is more about our own need to help.  Perhaps we tie fixing thigs into our sense of self-worth.  Perhaps we are uncomfortable feeling their heavy emotions.  Perhaps sitting with others in distress brings up feelings of helplessness within us.  Or perhaps we just feel we know better and can save someone else some aggravation.  Some people were even taught that giving advice is a form love and caring, even if the person they are giving it too did not feel they had a problem in the first place!

 But here is the thing – no two people are the same, and good intentions don’t always lead to good outcomes.  What is right for one person may not be right for another.  Sometimes there can be significant downfalls to giving advice, and when we give it without asking if it is wanted, it can be like walking into someone’s emotional living room, deciding it could look better, and rearranging their furniture – without even asking.   Imagine the potential message in that.  Or what might it do to someone’s self-esteem, after they had taken time and energy to get dressed up and go out, only to hear someone say, “you’re wearing that?!?!?!”.

“Giving advice is good when it is welcomed, relevant, and empowering”

If we are looking to support someone, the best thing we can do is check in with them first.  Ask them what they are needing.  Are they looking for suggestions or advice or are they just wanting someone to sit and listen to them so they can feel heard and understood?  Providing space for someone to express themselves without interruption or redirection can be one of the most powerful gifts we offer. It says, “I trust you to navigate your own experience. I’m here beside you, not above you.”

Sometimes, what people need most is not a solution, but a witness. Someone to be present with them in their discomfort—not to tidy it up, but to acknowledge it. This kind of listening requires patience, humility, and often, restraint. It can feel counterintuitive, especially for those of us wired to be helpers or fixers. But when we pause the impulse to advise and instead attune ourselves to the other person’s emotional state, something beautiful happens - we create connection instead of control.

This isn’t to say that advice has no place—far from it. Insightful, thoughtful guidance can be incredibly supportive when the timing is right, and the relationship is rooted in trust. But advice, to be truly helpful, must be invited. It must be given in a way that honours the other person’s autonomy, not as a prescription for what we would do, but as an offering of perspective for them to consider.

“Sometimes (perhaps even most of the time), the most healing thing we can offer is not advice, but space, presence, and genuine concern” 

So how do we know when to speak and when to stay silent? One simple yet powerful question can guide us:“Would it be helpful if I shared some thoughts, or would you prefer I just listen?” This question is more than just polite - it’s respectful. It puts the person in the driver’s seat and gives them agency over the kind of support they receive. And often, just being asked that question can feel validating in itself. Because at the end of the day, being a supportive presence isn’t about saying the right thing, it’s about being the right thing - grounded, attentive, compassionate, and open. When we show up in this way, advice becomes less about fixing and more about fostering. Fostering clarity, confidence, and resilience in the person sitting across from us.

So, the next time your inner advisor starts crafting a well-meaning plan of action, pause for a beat. Breathe. Listen. And remember that sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply hold space.