Finding Healing Through The Chaos of Divorce

Divorce isn’t something anyone plans for.  It’s the milestone we never wanted and is often described as one of life’s most stressful events.  It’s not just the end of a relationship; it’s a series of many other tiny endings.  It’s the unravelling of routines, roles and identities, family dynamics, finances, hopes and dreams.  It can involve losing friends and people who you have considered your family for a substantial part of your life.  It is interrupted plans and having to rewrite chapters of your life from the way you thought they would be written.   It’s a reconciliation at its deepest level and the effects of it can shake every part of who you are or who you have ever known yourself to be when you realize you have to divide not just your furniture and finances, but also things like your memories or time with your children.

Whether you are the one who has ended the relationship or the one who has been left, the emotional weight of divorce is palpable, yet hard to describe.  It’s an emotional storm of grief, anger, fear, guilt, and even sometimes excitement and relief, all tangled together into a ball wound so tight, it might feel impossible to unravel.  It’s not just the losing of a partner it’s losing the version of yourself that existed in that partnership and having to relearn who you are outside of that.  

Then there’s the practical side.  The part that feels almost cruel in its timing.  While you’re so emotionally raw and just trying to make sense of your day to day, you’re expected to make rational decisions about your home, money, and parenting schedules.  And divorce negotiations can be brutal!  It’s not just the paperwork or disentangling of a shared world, line by line, dollar by dollar – that would be difficult enough!  And it’s not even the fact that the fighting often becomes not just about fairness but about trying to restore dignity, power, and hurt feelings.  It’s that every item you discuss – from the car to the coffee maker – feels like a reminder of a world that once felt whole.  We are not at our best with this kind of stress and overwhelm and even when our intention is to be fair and civil, emotions run high and things can become distorted.

In the middle of this chaos, mental health is often what takes the hardest hit.  You might start to question your worth, your choices, and even your ability to ever trust again.  You might find yourself judging yourself or pretending things are okay when in reality it feels like everything is falling apart and burning down around you.  Uncertainty about the future grabs hold and pokes at the bear of anxiety.  Depression and loneliness might creep in as social circles change and we feel isolated.  And let’s not forget about guilt and shame – especially when there are children involved.

Though there is so much that feels out of our control when it comes to divorce, our mental health does not have to be one of them.  There are things we can do and practices we can put in place to help ourselves through.  Taking care of ourselves during this time is not a luxury – it is essential, and here are some ways we might do that:

1. Let yourself grieve

   Divorce is a kind of death. It may not be the death of a person, but it is the death of a shared life and imagined future together. Grief is a natural and necessary response, and suppressing our emotions can prolong our healing.

2. Bring in self-compassion and avoid judging yourself

   Divorce is one of the most emotionally taxing transitions a person can face.  It can stir up grief, guilt, anger, loneliness, and fear – sometimes all at once.  Self-compassion allows us to meet those emotions in a way that heals rather than in a way that deepens the pain.  Be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace during those times you were too human to be at your best.

3. Talk - don't isolate

   Divorce can feel lonely, especially if you have lost shared friends or in-laws.  Reach out to people who make you feel safe and seen.  You don’t need lots of people, but you do need to know your audience well enough to know who can hold space for you without judgement. 

4. Create small and steady routines

   When everything feels chaotic, structure creates safety.  Eat regular meals, try to be consistent with your sleep schedule, and bring in some structure where you can.  Tiny rituals tell your brain “I’m still here, and I can build stability again”.

5. Bring in movement where you can

   It does not have to be a whole big intense workout, but physical activity helps your brain release stress hormones and boosts serotonin and endorphins.  Even being outside helps, as nature is known to regulate mood.  Your body and mind are connected.  Moving your body will help your emotions to move through you too.

6. Focus on what you can control

   We can’t control our ex’s behaviour, comments and/or opinions of others, or outcomes of legal proceedings, but we can control our reactions, how we care for ourselves, and what we focus on each day.  Focusing on what we can control is important because it protects our energy, improves our decision making and reduces unnecessary stress.

7. Let go of old stories and redefine who you are

   When the storm begins to calm, start thinking gently about what comes next.  Marriage often shapes your identity.  After divorce, some of those roles shift or disappear.  Redefining your identity means recognizing that you are so much more than just those roles and that you can choose new ones.  What do you want this new life to feel like?  Are their parts of yourselves that were neglected through your marriage?  Rebuilding isn’t about replacing your old life and self; it’s about rediscovering yourself in your wholeness.  Although this can feel scary, it’s what I now refer to as one of my diamonds in the shit of divorce.

8. Work with a Therapist if possible

   Healing after divorce is messy and can feel chaotic.  There is no specific timeline, and no right or wrong way to move on.  Some days you’ll feel free and others you’ll feel lost.  There might be moments where you feel in control and confident in your decisions and then BOOM – all of a sudden it feels like you have done everything wrong.  Having an unbiased professional to guide you through can be invaluable.  I don’t say this because I am a Counselling Therapist, but because I know how much it helped me to have one through my divorce experiences.  Therapy helped me to make sense of emotions I didn’t have the words for, and to help me stay grounded during a time that had me feeling untethered.  It also gave me a space to say all of the things I wanted to say, but knew wouldn’t be helpful saying to my ex.

No matter where you are in your divorce timeline, I want you to know that you will eventually begin to see glimpses of yourself again.  Divorce forces us to rebuild, piece by piece, but those new pieces often reflect a deeper understanding of what we truly need and deserve, which has us often coming out the other side stronger, wiser and more self-aware.

If you are in the thick of it right now, please know this - you are not broken and you are not alone; you are in transition.  With one breath, one boundary, and one negotiation at a time, you will find the other side.  And even though it might not feel like it right now, this chapter – as painful as it is – can lead to incredible growth, peace, and self-discovery.  This has been my lived experience on both sides of that divorce equation.

For support through this or any other life transitions, please reach out via my website at https://www.flourishingseedswellness.com, or by email to flourishingseedswellness@gmail.com