Caring Beyond Our Lifetime: The Gift of Putting Our Affairs in Order
- Lisa Wilder
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
As I sit here staring at my computer screen with so much to say, I find myself noticing some significant hesitation. It is not the subject itself that has me hesitate, but the importance I feel in what I want to share and wanting it to be written in a way that it might be heard in a different way. In a way where it is embraced with openness, rather than pushed away in discomfort.
There is a reason I have chosen grief and loss to focus on in my counselling practice. It is not only that I have experienced so much of this personally, but also because through these experiences I have seen the depth of what those who are left behind must navigate. On top of trying to survive emotionally and carry on with their regular day to day responsibilities of everyday life, they also have to navigate through the practical realities that accompany death and loss. And this is not just true to death, but also true for unexpected situations that affect our health, like diagnoses of chronic or terminal illness, or sudden permanent or temporary incapacity or loss of decision-making abilities. We are never too young to put our affairs in order and communicate our wants and needs, and doing so is a gift to our loved ones because it offers clarity during moments that are often filled with fear, grief, stress, and uncertainty. When people are left trying to guess what someone would have wanted or trying to sift blindly through putting someone else’s affairs in order, it can create emotional overwhelm, guilt, conflict, and added pressure during an already painful and overwhelming time. Clear communication can ease some of that burden and allow our loved ones to focus more on connection, grieving, and supporting one another rather than trying to make what can feel like impossible decisions. So what things should we be thinking of and talking about? Although this will be different from situation to situation and person to person, but I will share with you the things I believe are the bare minimum and what I have now personally done for my own children since experiencing the terminal illness and passing of my father. Create your will (and keep it updated as things change) and make sure your loved ones know where to find it
Our wills provide clarity, guidance and protection for our loved ones. This is a place for us to clearly communicate our wishes around our assets, belongings, dependents, pets, and personal legacy. It gives you the opportunity to decide how you want your affairs handled rather than leaving those decisions to the courts (which can drag out the process) or to family members who may be unsure of what you would have wanted. Our will also outlines who we will appoint as our executor. This would be someone you trust to make sure all your outlined wishes and affairs are taken care of the way you wanted them to be. That executor will become responsible for managing your estate from start to finish, which can be a huge job, so make sure you let them know this and ask them if they are prepared to take on this responsibility.
Being an executor is time consuming work. Settling an estate can take weeks, months, or even years. Because of the time and energy being an executor can take, it has become a fairly common practice to make plans to compensate them. Including these instructions in your will acknowledges the time, responsibility, and emotional labour that might be involved and can help avoid tension and stressful conversations between loved ones later. Put together your personal directives and advance care planning documents
Personal directives and advance care planning documents are closely related, but they focus on slightly different areas of decision making.
Advance care planning (sometimes referred to as a health care directive or living will) is focused specifically on your medical care and treatment preferences. It can include guidance about life-sustaining treatments, resuscitation wishes, comfort-focused care, and your values around end-of-life care. In some cases, it may also include your wishes regarding organ and tissue donation, though these are often confirmed through separate consent processes as well, so it is important to let your family understand your wishes. This information helps guide health care providers and substitute decision-makers during urgent or end-of-life situations. For it to be effective, it needs to be clearly documented, shared with your designated decision maker, and accessible to your health care team. Many people choose to keep a copy in an easy-to-find place, like in a special folder on their fridge, along with other important medical information such as medications, allergies, and emergency contacts. A personal directive is a broader legal document that names a trusted person (or people) to make personal decisions for you if you lose capacity. This can include health care decisions as well as other non-financial, day-to-day matters such as living arrangements, supports needs, routines, privacy, communication preferences, and values that guide quality of life decisions for you. It is meant to help your chosen decision-maker understand what matters most to you, so they can act in your best interests and in alignment with your wishes if you are unable to speak for yourself.
Assign a Power of Attorney (POA)
A Power of Attorney is a legal document that allows someone you trust to manage your financial and legal affairs if you are unable to do so yourself while you are still alive. It helps ensure your practical matters can be handled smoothly and responsibly during times of illness, incapacity, or even absence.
Create practical guidance.
Overwhelm by logistics immediately after a death is real. Although our loved one is gone, the practical world does not pause and there will be forms to complete, decisions to make, and details to sort through, often at a time when even the simplest of tasks can feel heavy and disorienting. To keep things easier for my children, I have created a place (and told them about it) where they can find everything they need. In this place they know they will find information on my house (including purchase price, upgrades, receipts for my upgrades, where the mortgage is held, the dollar amount owing, insurance, taxes, and an outline of how to service the house until they make arrangements to sell it), all house servicing account information and contact information (passwords too!), a detailed list of my investments, bank accounts credit cards, and who to reach out to in order to access those. It is where I have also given them the password to my computer and phone and instructions on anything else they might need to know. This is a place where you can also keep keys to a safety deposit box, if you have one, with the information they need on where to find it. I also recommend keeping things as simple as you can for them. The more loose ends there are to tie up and take care of, the more their grief can become layered with overwhelm, decision fatigue, and unnecessary stress at a time when their energy is already stretched thin.
Normalize and have those “difficult” conversations.
Your loved ones won’t know what you don’t share, and conversations add more clarity to written wishes. Even if you have filled out an organ donor card and have put it in your directive, tell them your wishes and let them know why it is important to you. Help them to understand what quality of life means to you and the specifics of what that entails (breathing supports, feeding tubes, mobility, etc). I have even given my children explicit instructions and permission that should I need to go into a care facility, I don’t want them putting me in the most expensive one. I want them to save what they can for them and instead find balance between cost and level of care – especially if I won’t know the difference. Some people might want to know they would go into the crème de la crème of care, and that’s ok – it’s all about understanding our wishes, the impacts of our wishes, and communicating those wishes clearly. Make sure they understand who you have put in control of making decisions should you not be able to, and answer any of their questions they might have as to why. This can help with potential hurt feelings and confusion later. Let them know your end of life wishes and decide how you want that handled. You can even make those plans ahead of time. Although I have not made arrangements for my death yet, I myself have had this conversation. I have told my children that (at least in this moment) I want to be cremated, which is not usually done within my religion. We have had the conversation as to how that might affect them, and we have begun talking about how they might still get the community support they want and need should they follow my wishes. I have told them what I would like to see done with my ashes and have put aside money for them to access to take care of all those costs, so they won’t have to figure that out themselves or bare the financial weight of taking care of my arrangements. I have also let them know that although these are my wishes, given that they will be the ones left grieving, I give them full permission to do what is best for them (even if that means burying my remains and not cremating them). I just need to go out thinking this is what is being done because of what I know are unfounded fears of being buried. Taking care of having these conversations ahead of time does not take away the pain of loss, nor will it remove the grief that comes with loving someone so deeply. It can, however, soften the chaos that tends to surround crisis, illness, incapacity, and death. It can create more space for presence, connection, grieving, or legacy building together (when we are presented with warning), instead of confusion, scrambling, second guessing, unanswered questions, and perhaps time better spent.
Putting our affairs in order is not about expecting death, it is about continuing to care for our loved ones who will one day need to navigate our absence. It is about offering them clarity instead of guesswork. It’s about giving them a clear path and guidance to settle what we ourselves have left behind. It’s giving them continued support to help them manage the overwhelm that will come from missing us. It is one final act of love and consideration we can give them at the time when they will be missing us the most.
Death is the one thing in life that is certain, so doesn’t it make sense we start normalizing these conversations?
https://myhealth.alberta.ca/Alberta/AlbertaDocuments/conversations-matter-guide-english.pdf