I saw a post on Facebook the other day that has not left my mind. It said:
“I saw a post I didn’t agree with. I didn’t get offended. I didn’t comment. I didn’t feel the need to change their mind. I still like the person. I just kept scrolling and went on with my day. More should practice this.”.
Why is it that there seems to be such a strong urge for people to shame others for opinions, thoughts, and feelings that are different than their own?
Of course, when we are dealing with issues and topics that are important to us it is hard not to have our own feelings and experiences play into it, but often these can create distortion and keep us from truly seeing anything but our own points of view, sometimes without even knowing it! Rigid belief systems play into this as well, especially those that we have adopted without ever having questioned the reason why we hold these beliefs in the first place.
So, how might we best set ourselves up to promote healthy and respectful dialogue around our differences in opinions, rather than jumping right into opinionated shaming and assumptions?
1. Pause first and do an honest check in with yourself.
As you are entering into this conversation, notice how you are feeling. Do you notice any tension in your body? Are you feeling on guard? Is your heart beating a little faster? Is the temperature of your body warming up? Are there any strong emotions that you are feeling? These sensations and emotions can help you determine if you are in a good place to have this conversation right now, or whether taking a moment to step back might be beneficial for calmer and more productive dialogue.
2. Enter the conversation with kindness and curiosity, rather than judgement.
People are entitled to their own opinions – end of story. There, I have said it! We don’t have to like those opinions, agree with them, or respect them, but we do have to be respectful of their owner.An experience is a very individualistic concept, and nothing we experience is void of the filters of our own emotions, learning, past experiences, environment, and generations of hand-me-down values. No wonder we feel so strongly about our points of view! But when we are ready to accept that there is always something new to learn and that multiple truths can be occurring at the same time, it allows us to become curious and ask questions, rather than judging, labelling, and closing ourselves off to a new level of understanding.
3. Be open to both learning and sharing.
Are you only having this conversation to change someone else’s mind, or are you truly open to understanding their point of view? Are you actively listening to what the other person is sharing, or are you using the time they talk to construct your next point? Open conversation involves thoughtful attention and consideration. When we enter a conversation with only one purpose, we shut ourselves off from learning and growth. Healthy dialogue provides room for sharing and gaining new perspectives, mutual understanding and empathy, and can be the catalyst for stronger relationships.
4. Be willing to agree to disagree.
Just because there is no resolve, does not mean this has to be a “fight”. Is the need for full agreement worth losing a relationship over? Does this argument truly wipe out all the positives of that relationship? Does this argument highlight a difference in values that overrides all the other similar values of this relationship? If yes, then ending a relationship may very well be what is best for you, and that is ok. What is not ok is ending a relationship disrespectfully, name calling, putting down, or discrediting the other person because you have deemed your opinion to be the right one.
5. Know when to take a break.
We are all human, and emotions are not always easy to tame. If the conversation you are engaged in becomes too heated, be willing to table the discussion to continue at another set time when emotions are not running so high.
After all, just because someone’s opinion is different than yours, does not mean that they are wrong.
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