Self-Compassion vs. Self-Care: What’s the Difference and What Is the Relationship Between the Two?

In the age of mindfulness, mental health awareness, and well-being routines, there are two terms that often get used interchangeably:  self-care and self-compassion.  While they both support a healthier, more balanced life, they are not the same thing, and understanding the difference and connection between them can help you build a more resilient and kind relationship with yourself.

What Exactly Is Self-Care?

We hear a lot about self-care these days.  In fact, I might even go so far as to say it has almost become another one of those overused, commercialized and under understood buzzwords.   When people hear self-care, it is not uncommon for them to think about going to the spa, taking a nice long hot bubble bath, or going out and buying something nice for themselves.  Although there is nothing wrong with doing these things, self-care is so much more than that and does not need to involve a large investment of time or money.

Self-care refers to the deliberate actions and routines a person engages in to improve their physical, emotional, and mental health.  These activities can be as basic as making sure to eat enough food, drink enough water and get enough sleep, or as intentional as attending therapy, engaging in regular physical activity or movement, setting boundaries with yourself, or realizing when you need to take a break and carving out the time to do that.

There are 5 main categories of self-care.  It is not necessary to engage in all 5 categories every day or even every week, but instead to use these categories to understand which area of your life might need a little more attention and what might serve you best in any particular moment. 

The 5 main categories of self-care:

1.  Physical Self-Care

   Activities that support your body's health. This includes getting enough sleep, eating nourishing foods, exercising, and resting when needed.

2. Emotional Self-Care

   Managing your feelings/emotions and expressing them in healthy ways. This could include journaling, talking with a friend, learning emotional regulation, seeking therapy, and setting boundaries.

3. Mental Self-Care

   Stimulating and/or resting your mind. This could include reading, meditating, taking breaks from screens or work, or learning something new.

4. Social Self-Care

   Building supportive relationships and spending time with people who uplife you, or taking a lone time when you need it.

5. Spiritual Self-Care

   Connecting with something larger than yourself, be that through religion, spirituality practices, spending time in nature, mindfulness, awareness (of self and others), or reflection.

More than just being a type of distraction to use in times of heaviness or emotional upheaval, self-care helps reduce stress, prevents burnout, and improves overall quality of life, especially when it is used proactively.  It helps us maintain balance and well-being so that we are able to show up well in all areas of our lives.

What Is Self-Compassion and How Is It Different Than Self-Care?

Whereas self-care is about actions, self-compassion is about attitude. 

Having self-compassion is about treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and care in times when you are suffering, failing, or feeling inadequate.  It’s about treating yourself the way you would a friend and responding to your own pain and mistakes with gentleness instead of harsh self-criticism.  It’s also about acknowledging that suffering and imperfection are part of being human.

How often do you notice yourself treating yourself much less kindly than you would anyone else in your life?  How often have you called yourself stupid after making a mistake?  And poor self-compassion is more than those harsh self-criticisms….poor self-compassion is having unrealistic standards of ourselves, expecting ourselves to be perfect, avoiding or minimizing our true emotions and pain, not having good boundaries with ourselves and others, judging ourselves for wanting or needing support, keeping ourselves from asking for support, and isolating ourselves by believing we are the only ones who have ever felt the way we do or by negatively comparing ourselves to others.

So, how do you begin bringing in self-compassion?

Dr. Kristin Neff, who is a pioneer in the study of self-compassion, shares that self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same compassion we would treat a close friend with, and it involves 3 elements: self-kindness, common humanity (recognizing that suffering and imperfection are universal human experiences, not personal defects) and mindfulness (awareness).  Given that, here are some practical ways to cultivate self-compassion:

1. Notice your inner voice

   Start paying attention to how you talk to yourself – especially when things go wrong. Do you criticize yourself or do you give yourself grace?  Moving to a place of self-compassion involves moving ourselves away from self-judgement.  Instead of saying “I’m so stupid” after making a mistake, self-compassion looks like noticing the mistake, understanding that mistakes happen, and asking ourselves what we want to learn from the mistake, rather than beating ourselves up.

2. Practice the "friend test"

   When you find yourself being hard on yourself, ask yourself what you would say to a good friend who was dealing with the same situation.  We often treat others much kinder that we would treat ourselves!

3. Offer yourself comfort rather than criticism

   Show up for yourself, not against yourself – especially in times of stress or grief.  This might look like taking a break without guilt instead of pushing through fatigue and judging yourself for feeling tired, taking some grounding breaths when you feel anxious instead of being mad at yourself for feeling anxious in the first place, or using words of affirmation to replace the critical ones when you notice them.

4. Stop pretending everything is fine wen it isn't, and bring in mindful awareness of your suffering

   It’s ok to acknowledge that you’re suffering and to give yourself what you need to feel safe, supported, and calm – in fact, it’s essential.  What we push away and pretend doesn’t exist will not stay tucked away.  It will jump back out when we least expect it and often comes back with more power.  Notice what you are feeling, remind yourself that we all go through tough times, ask yourself what you need to get through this moment (self-care) in a good way, and do it with self-kindness rather than judgement.

5. Acknowledge common humanity

   Remind yourself that you are not alone in this.  Everyone fails, feels inadequate, or hurts sometimes – that is part of being human.  When we remember this, it can reduce feelings of shame and self-blame.

6. Build compassionate habits

   Make small, daily self-compassion practices part of your routine - like ending the day noting one kind thing you did for yourself that day or saying one kind thing to yourself before going to sleep, scheduling breaks throughout your day to pause and breathe, and switching from thinking about all the things you should have done differently and replacing that with noticing new things you would like to try instead (switching from “I should have” to “I think I might like to try”).

Both self-compassion and self-care are essential for our wellbeing – they’re not just buzzwords.  They reinforce each other and are foundational skills for living a balanced, emotionally healthy life.  One helps you do the things that support your well-being, and the other helps you be the kind of person who treats themselves in a kind and caring way, even when things fall apart.  Self-care gives us fuel, while self-compassion gives us grace.

So, the next time you ‘re feeling low see what happens if instead of being harsh with yourself  you ask yourself “what do I need right now?” and “can I meet myself with kindness and understanding as I try to figure that out?”.

Although being self-compassionate and carving out moments of self-care can feel uncomfortable or even impossible, even brief moments of engaging with them can have a powerful effect on mood and resilience.  Start small and go slow.  Think of this like you’re strengthening a muscle; you start light and build over time. Slow and steady wins the race.  And remember, you don’t need to earn your own tenderness – you’re already worthy of it!